I used to think that sex was the deepest form of intimacy I could experience. If a woman and I had sex that meant that she really trusted/loved/desired me, that meant I was ok to be loved.
In my conscious mind, most of the time I just wanted another number to brag to my mates about. Or do something dirty and exciting.
In my subconscious mind, I was yearning to be loved, I disliked myself so much that the more women I had sex with, the more love I could tell myself I was worthy of.
Fast track to today, I still love Sex. A LOT! But I can't have sex if there's no heart involved.
Like I can't physically get an erection if I don't have a connection beyond the physical with a woman.
It's really messed with my mind. Sent me down quite a few shame spirals over the last few months. Asking myself what type of man am I when I have women (that in the past I would get hard just looking at and imagining sexual acts with) kissing me, touching me and I've got no blood flow or movement.
Then other times with women just dancing in front of me, or eye gazing or having a quick conversation and it takes all my consciousness not to RIP her clothes off and take her right there.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
It is the intimacy of the heart....
Through all of my exploration into myself, I have realized that what I crave so much is not sex at all. As a matter of fact, the less sex I have with someone when there's that deep soul connection, the more scared I feel with that person. It starts to touch a place that not many people get to see in me. I don't let many people in that deep because it's so tender.
But it's what my soul is longing for. To crack my heart open.
To that place of love so deep and tender that it scares us.
That place that most of us don't believe we're worthy of. That type of feeling where you can't help but cry as you experience the love that we were born as.
If more of us got to that feeling inside our hearts...
FUCK the world would be a different place.~
~Tyran Mowbray
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